October 01, 2016

RKDiaries - Lowest of the Low

winonsky.sunnypillow


Please let me write this in English because I felt more comfortable if I write in English.

Anyway,

My second month in Rumah Kepemimpinan has already passed and here I am starting my third month along with all Ksatria-Tiara Angkatan 8. Trying to get a grip of things Trying to hold on to each other in case one of us needs some hand on things. We’re strengthening as a whole team and we’re facing all these challenges that this dorm gave us with a strong heart. We know we can do this and we chose to believe so.

This second month is actually quite different with the first one. Yes, I still don’t fit in with all these stuffs and the talks and the environment or even how to dress. I’m still a mess if you’re asking for a frank opinion. But I’m changing step by step so as long as I’m keeping it steady I guess it’ll end beautifully.

Going back to my statement before, yes, I do feel the second month is a lot harder than the first one.

Rules are starting to be straightened and people are getting fierce on stuff. Not just dormitory people but also at college, organization, committees, mentorship, and competitions. I feel like people are being so demanding this second month. I literally feel like I don’t have the time to actually stop and take a long relaxing breath. I am running out of breath while people are actually catching up towards all of my responsibilities.

People are being demanding and I don’t like it. I never liked demanding people, especially when it comes to some of my personal stuffs. Do not tell me how to open a cheese burger wrap when I can open it just as fine as you guys told me to. I mean come on it’s up to me if I want to open it in very weird and unusual way. It’s my cheese burger, don’t wreck it up for me.

That’s just a metaphor anyway it’s not like I’m a crazy maniac on cheese burger though (when I’m actually am).

Moving on,

In one of my courses at college I actually learned a thing called: COPING. One of the theories of using coping in a workplace is to actually apply coping as a problem solver rather than a last resort when it comes to psychosocial hazards. People are actually using coping in everyday lives and there’s no guidebook on what kind of coping styles or technique that you should actually use in a certain situation. Coping is how you deal with a problem as comfortable as you can until the problem itself doesn’t become a burden towards your well-being. Every people have their own techniques and you can’t judge those techniques as inappropriate or wrong. It’s all according to the person’s comfort towards how he/she copes to a problem.

And that’s a glimpse of my course that I am actually putting in this Pemaknaan Asrama task. Hmm. What has gotten to me…?

Anyway,

What I’m trying to tell you here is that I’m actually now starting to cope with the dormitory’s schedules and stuffs. I’m actually throwing a little of my dignity on laziness and self-comfort in order to do this dorm tasks as expected with the ROOMPK values that Rumah Kepemimpinan hopes us will implement.

And I’m doing it badly.

I’m actually now joining all the events on dorms and ask permissions in time. I’m starting to actually obey the rules (when I actually hate to do so). It’s a system that I need to respect and as I stated before in my last months’ Pemaknaan Asrama that I still need a very hard work to actually implement 3Rs to my life. I’m starting so please help me and give me critics. I don’t mind if you’re actually scolding me but I will defend myself if I think that what am doing is right or you’re just simply being too harsh on me.

So my dorm business is actually starting to get very well. There are elevations in some kinds of aspects but it’s still under the actual target that RK wants me to do. It’s okay. I can do better, but I’ve done my best for this month so it’s best that I kept on striving for the next ones.

What am starting to concern is actually my academic business.

I’ve been entering my class late this whole month. I’m making my college assignments on deadlines. If it’s a Day-1 I’ll just be cool with it but it’s like Hour-1. Such a deadliner.

I’m actually disappointed in myself when one of my lecturers finally scold me and told me to actually go out of the room because I enter the room like 10 minutes before the class ends. In my defense, someone told me that there’s actually 2 sessions of today’s lecture so I’m entering for the second session because I know the first session has passed. Turns out the second session is cancelled and thus that lecturer told me to go out of the class. Bottom line: I don’t go out of the class. I sit at the front and just hears what he has to say for the rest 10 minutes. He’s actually mad when I do that. I can see his eyes flickering and how he decided to not look at me, treating me as if I’m some pest that he doesn’t want to look directly. Oh how bad(stupid)ass I was that time.

Yep, that’s another page of me. I don’t care what people say. I’m doing whatever the hell I want to and I don’t care if you consider me as a pest or not because I still value you as my lecturer if you’re actually teaching in a very nice term and polite way (whoops).

Oh, if you’re wondering, I cried afterwards though. I’m still a girl and I actually regret what I’ve done. So inappropriate. Don’t do it, guys. It’s a bad thing.

So, yeah, am actually not having a very firm grip on my academic stuffs. And to who does I blame all this stuff? Rumah Kepmimpinan? Or Ksatria-Tiara Angkatan 8? Or Bang Bachtiar?

I’m blaming it on myself.

I still can’t manage my time very well and I feel like am not actually trying enough.

Like this morning, I woke up late and I don’t come to my weekly meeting of Kajian Islam Pekanan with kak Ika. I woke up around 9 and I think that’s like logical since I’ve just went to bed at 5 because some dream visualization video of Ksatria-Tiara Angkatan 8. Like 4 hours of sleep is actually not enough. As a public health I’m actually telling people to sleep for 8 hours, not less. And here I am barely sleeping.

The effects are huge. Now I’m actually feeling sorry to kak Ika. I was supposed to give a speech (kultum) on women’s fiqh but now I don’t even attend it. I chat kak Ika to ask some ‘punishment’ since this is purely my own fault. I’m being not careful. Sleep is not a reason. I should’ve control myself more. But, until now, she doesn’t reply when she’s actually online. It’s my bad, my fault, and now I need to deal with this ‘emotional burden’.

And thus, that’s how Rumah Kepemimpinan means to me.

Filled with mistakes and events that every person knows that it’s just too much for a college student with 1001 activities that he/she is actually pursuing. Filled with hope and thoughts that is actually wild and running free to express ourselves. Filled with punishments and burdens that no one actually wants to get in life as in general.

Filled with rainbows of hopes and second chances to fix ourselves. Filled with self-reminders and meaningful events that will keep your heart and mind alive. Filled with life lessons that you can’t get in any other place.

Filled with me. A girl who is still lacking in any kinds of things on she’s trying to pursue. A girl who does whatever she wants. A girl who hated a system more than a punishment. A girl that kept on asking on stuffs that aren’t supposed to be asked. A girl who is trying to hold on along this ride with Ksatria-Tiara Angkatan 8.

A girl who believes that she can and will do better next month.


Asrama Rumah Kepemimpinan
Saturday, October 1st, 2016
12.19 PM

Striving

No comments:

Post a Comment