Yes, I know I'm not suppose to be writing right now.
I have an interview tomorrow and I haven't prepared, the end of term exam wave is already on my front door, haven't wash the dishes, should've done the laundry since this morning, the Quran is untouched, and in dire of some workout.
Procrastinating, as usual.
Do you know I have an A4 paper stick up at the wall besides my dorm door that's written "STOP HITTING YOUR INNER SNOOZE BUTTON"?
Yes, I have those kinds of stuffs.
Committed to them for two weeks and then procrastinate the next two weeks and regretted it for the next two weeks and the cycle repeats.
I don't know if that is humane but I call that an immature act.
That's not how I'm suppose to be acting as a college student.
Anyway, carrying on.
I'm actually at the rubble of my self-existentialism that I recently discovered a month ago. Don't worry, I don't discover anything stupid or what. I just discover that I'm too tired for every fucking thing that I'm currently engaging.
Pardon the language.
Exhausted, that's the exact word that could fit my whole fucking current situation.
It's not just the committees or organizations, no. I'm starting to get fed up of learning in class with lecturers who just felt annoying to me. If they don't come, I'll say they're annoying. If they brought their kids to class, I'll say they're annoying. If they teach too much, I'll say they're annoying. If they teach too little, I'll say they're annoying. I'll just say everyone is annoying because that's how I really felt.
And that word applies to everyone.
You, him, her, them, Mom, Dad, Jen, Fian, Anggun, Kak Nana, Haekal, everyone.
Every each one of you is annoying.
I was in this high state of boredom and felt annoyed to everyone who just tried to have conversation with me.
But, contrary, I was also craving for attention.
On my day off I decided to just rest my body while watching videos on YouTube. Then, I went for a ride on the bike because I felt weird if I don't have fun on my day off. Went back home very famished, weak, and hot-tempered (the body tough, it's not like I'm mad or something lol). At the end of the day, I opened my cell and tried to look for how many people actually reach out, looking for me, because I wasn't there for the whole day.
I opened my phone.There's like tons of notifications. I scrolled them through and counted how many of them are actually looking for me.
Sad. There's actually five people who contacted me but two of them contacted me because they need my help.
I guess it was emotional for me that it made me cry. I'm like, "three? three? three?!......" then I just went crying in the corner while rubbing my feet and hands against each other.
I was taking a day off because I'm not on my prime condition. It's not the normal heat temperature. I guess it was 40 degree Celsius or something. I do know it's very hot because I can even feel my body's heat radiantly. I felt steamy because I do nothing but I kept sweating. And the sweats are sticky. I don't like the feeling. But I'm too weak to go and take a bath. I even fell from the bed to get myself a glass of water.
It was ironic, I know.
And I find it more ironic when no one was there to look after me.
What was I expecting? I'm a college student. Everyone gets sick. Everyone is not well. Everyone is busy. Everyone don't have the time for someone else.
I'm starting to get sick with all the "gws, Win!" or "take more rest" or "drink more water" or "you're too busy that's what" or other similar stuffs that actually is just one definite type of commenting.
I'm sick of it.
I need actions.
I want people who when I call that I'm not well they'll come directly to my dorm and took me to the clinic or stuff. I want those actions where when I say I'm not okay people wouldn't just look at me and say "cheer up". I want people to hug me out and ask me what's wrong. Do not ask if I want to talk about it or not, I always want to talk about it. I'm just afraid that I'll waste your time with this stupid nonsense act of mine being super whiny.
Yes, I'm terrified that you will just say "oh, that was it?" when I told you the problem.
This is big for me.
And I'm not emphasizing, I mean it.
I always keep my problems to myself and think the way through all about it alone in my room with some music. The music helps, but my state of mind was still scattered on the floor so I need to fix it up first.
I am strong, I know that. I know I can endure pain unlike some of my girl friends. I've been trained to be strong since I was little. There's no room for crying. No room for mistakes. No room for un-productivity. I need to be constantly working on something, keeping myself busy.
I'm not blaming my parents. Kinda glad they raise me that way. That way, I whine less when people give me more stuffs to do or sudden tasks. I'd probably just say "what the fuck", went angry for five seconds, then do it anyway.
I've been told to just eat all the things that was on the plate and not complain. Every thing that I ate will develop into this taste that would just be the same on my mouth. It'll blend with other stuffs that I take for granted and will gives a taste of bliss.
I'm just happy I can do what I want to do right now.
Organizations, committees, hanging out, paper-making, going to awesome places, scholarship tests, slouching, cleaning, self-discovering, I have everything that I wanted to do in my college life right now.
Felt really thankful right now.
So here I am, picking up what's left behind. The rubble, the shatters, the shreds, every each of it. It's a part of me that I refuse to accept for the past week. Now, I'm trying to reaccept it again in a whole new perspective of bliss,
Wish me luck.
Asrama Universitas Indonesia
Sunday, 15th of May 2016