May 26, 2016

Bertahan

winonsky.sunnypillow

Iya, yang ini bahasa Indonesia.

Saat ini saya sedang dalam fase yang sangat amat hancur dalam kehidupan perkuliahan saya.

Kamar berantakan, belum cuci baju, bawaannya mau nonton drama korea setiap ada akses internet, tugas kuliah terbengkalai, belum mencicil untuk uas, tugas organisasi kacau, kedua kaki yang susah banget dibawa buat jalan karena sesakit itu, dan kondisi kesehatan saya yang jauh dari kata baik.

Hidup begini amat ya?

Gak nyangka aja mau uas dan saya masih berpikir mau begini begitu begini begitu bukannya malah belajar buat uas.

Ternyata pernyataan "Kuliah itu nomor satu" saya dahulu hanya bullshit.

Ternyata, saat ini, yang nomor satu untuk saya ada rasa senang saya.

Mungkin ini pengaruh karena tekanan yang saya alami selama dua bulan lalu. Tekanan luar biasa. Dari berbagai arah, akademis, teman, organisasi, kepanitiaan, orangtua, hati, pikiran, dstnya. Tekanan tersebut menumpuk di kepala saya, membuat saya jadi sakit-sakitan dan kikuk. Tekanan itu membuat saya menjadi bolos kuliah dan seterusnya. Tekanan itu membuat saya acuh terhadap segala hal yang harusnya saya lakukan.

Padahal, saya bukan orang yang seperti ini.

Dulu saya selalu mencicil tugas, selalu bisa nongkrong, selalu begadang, selalu senang-senang.
Dulu saya bisa mengatur kehidupan saya.

Sekarang?
Hancur parah.

Saya seperti tidak punya self-esteem yang cukup untuk meyakinkan diri saya untuk kembali ke diri saya dahulu. Untuk berubah ke arah yang lebih baik.

Mungkin orang-orang kalau ketemu saya hanya akan berpikir "Mukanya capek", "Wah lagi sibuk kayaknya", "Ketawa mulu", "Wah gila pinter banget", dan hal lain yang entahlah saya kurang paham.

Guess what people?
Saya jauh dari lintas pikiran kalian itu.

Saya hina.
Hina banget.
Bawaannya mau mengurung diri di kamar sambil peluk Caramel terus nangis.
Tapi gak bisa.
Karena saya bahkan tidak ada hasrat untuk menangis saat ini.

Kalau kamu lihat muka saya, muka saya datar. Datar banget. Saya seperti tidak punya perasaan.

Atau, mungkin memang saat ini saya sedang tidak berperasaan?

Hm.

Tau lah. Saya mau makan.

Asrama Universitas Indonesia
26 Mei 2016
10.49 AM

May 15, 2016

Picking Up What's Left Behind

winonsky.sunnypillow

Yes, I know I'm not suppose to be writing right now.

I have an interview tomorrow and I haven't prepared, the end of term exam wave is already on my front door, haven't wash the dishes, should've done the laundry since this morning, the Quran is untouched, and in dire of some workout.

Procrastinating, as usual.

Do you know I have an A4 paper stick up at the wall besides my dorm door that's written "STOP HITTING YOUR INNER SNOOZE BUTTON"?
Yes, I have those kinds of stuffs.

Committed to them for two weeks and then procrastinate the next two weeks and regretted it for the next two weeks and the cycle repeats.

I don't know if that is humane but I call that an immature act.

That's not how I'm suppose to be acting as a college student.

Anyway, carrying on.

I'm actually at the rubble of my self-existentialism that I recently discovered a month ago. Don't worry, I don't discover anything stupid or what. I just discover that I'm too tired for every fucking thing that I'm currently engaging.

Pardon the language.

Exhausted, that's the exact word that could fit my whole fucking current situation.

It's not just the committees or organizations, no. I'm starting to get fed up of learning in class with lecturers who just felt annoying to me. If they don't come, I'll say they're annoying. If they brought their kids to class, I'll say they're annoying. If they teach too much, I'll say they're annoying. If they teach too little, I'll say they're annoying. I'll just say everyone is annoying because that's how I really felt.

And that word applies to everyone.

You, him, her, them, Mom, Dad, Jen, Fian, Anggun, Kak Nana, Haekal, everyone.

Every each one of you is annoying.

I was in this high state of boredom and felt annoyed to everyone who just tried to have conversation with me.

But, contrary, I was also craving for attention.

On my day off I decided to just rest my body while watching videos on YouTube. Then, I went for a ride on the bike because I felt weird if I don't have fun on my day off. Went back home very famished, weak, and hot-tempered (the body tough, it's not like I'm mad or something lol). At the end of the day, I opened my cell and tried to look for how many people actually reach out, looking for me, because I wasn't there for the whole day.

I opened my phone.There's like tons of notifications. I scrolled them through and counted how many of them are actually looking for me.

Three.

Three people.

Sad. There's actually five people who contacted me but two of them contacted me because they need my help.

I guess it was emotional for me that it made me cry. I'm like, "three? three? three?!......" then I just went crying in the corner while rubbing my feet and hands against each other.

Three.

I was taking a day off because I'm not on my prime condition. It's not the normal heat temperature. I guess it was 40 degree Celsius or something. I do know it's very hot because I can even feel my body's heat radiantly. I felt steamy because I do nothing but I kept sweating. And the sweats are sticky. I don't like the feeling. But I'm too weak to go and take a bath. I even fell from the bed to get myself a glass of water.

It was ironic, I know.

And I find it more ironic when no one was there to look after me.

What was I expecting? I'm a college student. Everyone gets sick. Everyone is not well. Everyone is busy. Everyone don't have the time for someone else.

I'm starting to get sick with all the "gws, Win!" or "take more rest" or "drink more water" or "you're too busy that's what" or other similar stuffs that actually is just one definite type of commenting.

I'm sick of it.
I need actions.

I want people who when I call that I'm not well they'll come directly to my dorm and took me  to the clinic or stuff. I want those actions where when I say I'm not okay people wouldn't just look at me and say "cheer up". I want people to hug me out and ask me what's wrong. Do not ask if I want to talk about it or not, I always want to talk about it. I'm just afraid that I'll waste your time with this stupid nonsense act of mine being super whiny.

Yes, I'm terrified that you will just say "oh, that was it?" when I told you the problem.

This is big for me.

Huge.

And I'm not emphasizing, I mean it.

I always keep my problems to myself and think the way through all about it alone in my room with some music. The music helps, but my state of mind was still scattered on the floor so I need to fix it up first.

I am strong, I know that. I know I can endure pain unlike some of my girl friends. I've been trained to be strong since I was little. There's no room for crying. No room for mistakes. No room for un-productivity. I need to be constantly working on something, keeping myself busy.

I'm not blaming my parents. Kinda glad they raise me that way. That way, I whine less when people give me more stuffs to do or sudden tasks. I'd probably just say "what the fuck", went angry for five seconds, then do it anyway.

I've been told to just eat all the things that was on the plate and not complain. Every thing that I ate will develop into this taste that would just be the same on my mouth. It'll blend with other stuffs that I take for granted and will gives a taste of bliss.

I'm just happy I can do what I want to do right now.

Organizations, committees, hanging out, paper-making, going to awesome places, scholarship tests, slouching, cleaning, self-discovering, I have everything that I wanted to do in my college life right now.

Felt really thankful right now.

So here I am, picking up what's left behind. The rubble, the shatters, the shreds, every each of it. It's a part of me that I refuse to accept for the past week. Now, I'm trying to reaccept it again in a whole new perspective of bliss,

Wish me luck.

Asrama Universitas Indonesia
Sunday, 15th of May 2016
2.23 AM

May 10, 2016

A Day Off

winonsky.sunnypillow

It's always nice to have a day off, right?

Well today is my day off and I actually don't expect this today. I actually planned and think on my day off whether I should go somewhere or just stay at home or such. Whether I'd be really disappear from the world for one day or just not showing up, y'know?

But I didn't planned it for today.

Last night I watched Captain America: Civil War with Venna, Dhira, and also my Mom and my little sister. It was awesome. Truly awesome. No wonder people went #TeamCapt or #TeamStark for a whole damn week. Turns out what they're actually facing-innocent victims that's produced in their combats-is a very important aspect on every superhero's life. Stark acknowledge it and thought that being supervised is the best kind of thing to keep things on its boundaries while Rogers thinks that it's the perks of being a superhero and it is safe to say that every peace has its own price.

If you ask me, I really can't decide which team should I be on. They're both right. They both have their own perspectives, pluses, minuses, and also faith on what they choose to believe on what's right. But if I really have to choose which side should I be on, I'd go with Rogers. As superheros, you need to be an idealist. You can't be told what to do because you're act of doing actually comes from mere sense of humanity. You saw something that is not right and you're there to fix it. You know it might actually get a lot of bad respond or such but you decided to just go with it because your gut knew that it is the right thing to do. Being supervised does gives you boundaries and it does tell you your Dos and Don'ts, but it actually kills your one sole thing called serenity on doing the things that you do on the first place.

But that's my opinion though, it's not what I want to tell you on this post.

I watched that movie at 9.15 PM and we went back home on 12 PM. After I arrived home I decided to just not sleep and do all kinds of stuffs that I should be doing until the sun goes up. I have class on 8 AM and I'm not risking being late by going to sleep on that certain time.

But I didn't managed to stay up all night. I fall asleep around 4 AM and woke up at 8 AM because Venna was banging on my door. I said yeah-just-go-ahead-I'll-catch-up-with-you-later stuff but turns out I went back to sleep. Then I woke up at 10 AM.

At that moment, I laughed on myself.

I missed 2 class that I shouldn't be missing today.
I can't even get a hold on my slumber.
I felt frustrated and also happy for various reasons.

And so I decided
To not go
To class
Today.

Yep, it's sudden. I am that kind of sudden person haha. My head went like "screw this shit" and I laughed and sang on how sudden this thing is haha. It's weird, I know! I didn't even planned for this! I'm not ready for this! What should I do on this day off?!?!

Then I kinda had this thought for a while like should I study or should I went to the mall or should I went back to sleep or should I went to the museum or should I ride a bike or should I do my weekly run or should I take pictures in the woods or should I read comics or should I do my chores or should I make something awesome today. I don't know. It's too sudden. I haven't made up my mind on what to do yet.

Plus my body felt kinda warm. I think I need some hugs. Thank God there's Caramel right by my side.

Or maybe I should go to the clinic...

Nah,

I'm fine.

So what I'm gonna do today is still unknown.

I mean, I think I'll be doing some of the things that I mentioned before but who knows how many checklist that I'll tick? Let's just hope things went well for everyone haha.

Cheers.

11.15 AM
Asrama Universitas Indonesia
Tuesday, 10th of May 2016