April 23, 2016

Reassess

winonsky.sunnypillow

I've been thinking too much lately.

On sorts of things.

Ya know, those things that a student would randomly be anxious about. Love, life, study, grades, friends, existence, money, happiness, activities, the future, the past, the present, and all sorts of things.

Yep. As a normal young adult, I've got things going on on my mind for no particular reason. I still can't allocate my mind very well. I still can't manage an emphasized 24 hours of my daily life. I still get sad because of that boy who always shows up smiling. I still get dizzy on all of others' stories that just kept going on and on and on from their mouths. I still can't be a good leader. I still don't part my studies. I still wake up late. I still pass my pray time. I still think I'm cursed for no reason. I still want to have fun. I still need more money. I still need guidance.

FYI, funny things happened on April of 2016. One of them kind of made me ashamed.

I fall asleep after my exam since I've been non-stop studying and cramming all night long. Been doing that thing for the past 3 weeks. I didn't get the chance to part my studies because of the hecticness of my schedule so I ended up cramming all night long while complaining, amazed, amused, unsatisfied, of the things that I learned on that night.

So after that cursed OHS Legislation (Perundang-Undangan K3), my body went drop. That dropped. To be really honest I even did the exam half asleep. I'm not kidding. I shook my head hard every time gravity pulls it, trying to wake me up. Did the exam quick. Don't want to think to much. What's on my head was just one thing and that one thing is my bed.

So after the exam, went to the Clinic to get some papers for my dormitory stuff. It was so long. I waited for three fucking hours for just a little paper with my name on it declaring that I'm fine. Like gosh really. Three hours. It's that long. I even fell asleep at the chair because of waiting. I kept myself busy by reading comics from  my phone. Then the battery died. And I sung songs and even make one just to keep my eyes open.

Finally, after that damned long waiting and that one paper of patience, I went back to the dorm. As I get to the dorm, I pray Dzuhur first and set alarms and went to sleep immediately. Went to sleep on approximately 2 PM.

Didn't dream at all. It was all just pitch black that is filled with sanction. It was, calming. I've never been that calm that time in my entire college life.

Then I woke up. My room was black. It was already night. I went to the door to see who came since someone was banging on my door. It was dorm security saying that someone was looking for me and I should check and tell them that I'm okay.

At that moment, my mind could only say: shit.

I was planning for some quick sleep around 3-5 hours. I've made my calculations, If I slept for 3 hours I could still pray Ashar and then do stuffs like washing my clothes. Then I was being realistic that I'd probably sleep for 5 hours since I'm exhausted. I'll be up at 7 PM and I'd still have time to go to an appointment I've made with Artdictive's Stand Up Comedy Judges. I was supposed to meet them talking about the SOP, mechanism, technicalities, and such. I promised them to eat together on 7 PM on that day and tada the clock shows 11.46 PM. Well fucked.

I also made an appointment with my Dad on going back home to Bekasi since I have a conference tomorrow. I promised him I'll be at the train on 9 PM. Tada, I'm so fucked up.

Checked on my phone and tons and tons and tons of messages, calls, and other notifications were done under my behalf. Everyone was looking for me. My Mom, my Dad, and my Friends. Even the group was searching for me like hell asking around on my phone numbers and stuffs. My Mom even tried to locate me through an app. Such genuine thing.

I was happy.
I was surprised.
I was terrified.
I was upset.

Pretty much, I hate and love all those attentions people was giving to me. Really. I fucking hated it. I don't want people to talk about me because I was sleeping from a long long night of blood shed studying for Legislation, right? That should be personal. That should be my story only. Not the public's consumption.

Plus, my mom went mad. Calling all of my friends and shit. Stating the fact that she's terrified. I mean come on Mom you do know I'm always like this since Junior High School, why do you have to make such a big fuss of it?

I'm ashamed of myself. Really. Felt like I'd just go missing for real then that way I won't be too ashamed.

Argh.

Malu banget anjeng.

*pardon the swear words. but seriously, gue malu banget*

Astaghfirullah.

Oh well.

The next few days went with full mocks, jokes, puns on that incident. I mean come on, don't you guys also get tired from a whole night of studying? Anyone? Someone?

Getting real tired of that shit, I also went emotional. Getting real cranky. Getting real tired of those shit. Plus this boy was also hitting on my friend on and on and on I was getting sick of it till the level where I actually wanna cry because of that. I ambushed my mom with those high and unlikely mad voice. Really. I'm pissed.

Then one night, I wake up from my slumber, went to pray for qiyamul lail, then cried that hell out of everything.

Especially Mom.

Damn, man.

Tons of points were made that night and I for once wasn't mad to people like what I used to do. I was mad of myself that keeps acting irresponsibly and making others worried and suffer of my childish acts. Mom was always there for me when I needed her and I never take credit for her. I always make promises that I can't keep.

I cried all my heart out. Until it was content, I cried with the blissful rain that also cries together along my shouts and screams for help. Yes, I was helpless that night. I didn't know what to do. I was just tired. I wanted the world to just end that day.

Thankfully, I'm aware and went back to normal. Thankfully, my heart felt satisfied with that 2,5 hours of full crying. Such peace and sincerity. Never felt that calm before.

Then what does the tile means?

Reassess. I learned that word at the conference I told you about, is such a wondderful concept of stop and hold.

Reassess is what I needed to do in my life.

Reassess is what I urgently needed ASAP.

Reassessing my whole life, setting up goals for that one big vision hold upon myself. On pursuing my dreams. On doing what I love.

But yeah, it's such a unique concept.

Too bad I'm too sleepy to continue this post.

It's 3 AM and I haven't slept. This is the nature calling.

It's time for me to go to sleep.

Good Morning!




Asrama Universitas Indonesia
3.06 AM

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