April 29, 2016

Fawwaz

winonsky.sunnypillow


It means successful in Arabic.

Pretty cool, huh?


Fawwaz.

Alfiano Fawwaz Lokopessy.


This is my second time mentioning his full name on my blog.

I don't care about my feelings or either his. No. This isn't going to be that kind of post. Besides, I've promised myself not to make any kinds of those posts anymore.


On 27th and 28th of April, 2016, there's been this event called World Tobacco Processing and Machinery, which is famous with it's acronym called WTPM.

What's it all about? Go google WT Processing and Machinery then you may have your answers.

Or, if you're Indonesian, go ahead visit http://bit.ly/janjipalsu or http://tinyurl.com/rilisWTPM or http://bit.ly/kajianWTPM.

I'd like to tell you more about it but I'm afraid  I'll say things that I'm not supposed to say (and lazy to write it down) so I recommend you guys to seek the answers through the holy guidance of the internet. Or search it on the news, it's all over Indonesia's news anyway.


Moving on..

As UI's Public Health Students', we are aware of the consequences that we carry: promoting a healthy lifestyle throughout the whole world. One of our acts is through this thing called Aksi or Action.

Long story short, some of my friends joined Aksi WTPM on 27th and 28th of April 2016. On the first day it was like a normal Aksi day. Shouting on the hot day in front of JIExpo while standing on Indonesia's right of having an environment without smoke from the damned cigarettes. Some of my friends also managed to sneak into the exhibition to put on a banner stating "KICK WTPM". There's also a bit of boisterous act between the mass of Aksi and the police force after the mass were done praying, It's kind of an unpleasant view to watch but it had to be done. We're idealists alright, but we know what we're saying is right and we are using our voice to defend it.

On the second day things do not go so well.

There's no mass action on the first day. There's a soft action but I don't know how that goes and there's also a sneak action. Sneaking in, giving pamphlets to people, giving one hell of speech on our rights to a cigarette-free-smoke air, rebelling those scums that only cared about money in the first place.

Fawwaz gave a speech that day.

He shouted out all his heart, making such a scene on the exhibition so that people would look at him and listen to what he's saying.

If you look at the video, you might think that he's nuts shouting for no reason and such.

Well, we are all nuts here. What differs us from him is he's nuts for Indonesia's current health condition.

Yes, he shouts in a very impolite way.
Yes, he points out his fingers to people whom he just laid his eyes on.
Yes, he unleashes his wrath of hatred to the Cigarette Industry.

But he's there, fighting, along with my friends and seniors, voicing this country's unheard voice.

The police pounce him and dragged him out of the exhibition. Later on he was knocked down by the police on the face, making his nose bleed.

It's such a view. The ones that you don't want to watch because the ones that you cared the most got hurt because defending the Earth's rights. And the worse thing is blood are shed for the price of our rightful voice.

He and the rest of my friends were later captured by the police. Everyone was panicking and crying and sending out prayers, hoping that they will be fine in the end.

Including, me.
I was frazzled when I looked at the video.
I don't know how to react.
It was him. My friend. Strangled by the police. In the worse way you could ever think of.
And I just looked at it with the most unwanted feeling I want to feel on that day.


I was on a crisis of existentialism. I was devastated on knowing that I've actually been a burden to a lot of my friends. I made them ashamed in any kinds of bad way and I don't like the feeling that is born from those situations.

I cried for being unheard for so many things. I cried for being clumsy in fast-response situations. I cried for being too blunt on people and made them looked at me in a negative way.

I cried and I hoped to die instantly that day.

I felt like I don't have anymore will to live and it sucks because you can't actually go and tell people about these kinds of stories.

People would just say "Remember God's Existence" while they don't know the reason that I suffer because I was questioning why do I exist in the first place.

I do not question God, no. I believe in every path that He chose for me is the right one. I just question why does I have to went on that path.


Anyway.

Hearing that kind of news about him, I felt like I was struck by lightning.

Dead, like what I wished on that day.


Tears was flowing. Not so much though, but it flows right out of my eyes. I panicked, but I don't know what to do. I blame myself for not going that day. I blame myself for not being with him. I was flustered down the alley of despair.


All that I want to know is just that he is okay.
That he is alive and breathing just fine.
That he could still smile in his own wacky ways.

I envy those who was with him, who knows how he's doing and takes care of him.

For the first time in my life, I can't be there to help him. And I don't know how to help either.

So I just sit there in silent, waiting for more news of him, stating that he is well.


I really do not like that feeling of not being able to do anything when your dearest friend is in need,


Thankfully he's fine and there are no severe damages on his head. I'm just thankful that he is okay.


Taman Bougenville FKM UI
29th of April, 2016
20.38

April 23, 2016

Reassess

winonsky.sunnypillow

I've been thinking too much lately.

On sorts of things.

Ya know, those things that a student would randomly be anxious about. Love, life, study, grades, friends, existence, money, happiness, activities, the future, the past, the present, and all sorts of things.

Yep. As a normal young adult, I've got things going on on my mind for no particular reason. I still can't allocate my mind very well. I still can't manage an emphasized 24 hours of my daily life. I still get sad because of that boy who always shows up smiling. I still get dizzy on all of others' stories that just kept going on and on and on from their mouths. I still can't be a good leader. I still don't part my studies. I still wake up late. I still pass my pray time. I still think I'm cursed for no reason. I still want to have fun. I still need more money. I still need guidance.

FYI, funny things happened on April of 2016. One of them kind of made me ashamed.

I fall asleep after my exam since I've been non-stop studying and cramming all night long. Been doing that thing for the past 3 weeks. I didn't get the chance to part my studies because of the hecticness of my schedule so I ended up cramming all night long while complaining, amazed, amused, unsatisfied, of the things that I learned on that night.

So after that cursed OHS Legislation (Perundang-Undangan K3), my body went drop. That dropped. To be really honest I even did the exam half asleep. I'm not kidding. I shook my head hard every time gravity pulls it, trying to wake me up. Did the exam quick. Don't want to think to much. What's on my head was just one thing and that one thing is my bed.

So after the exam, went to the Clinic to get some papers for my dormitory stuff. It was so long. I waited for three fucking hours for just a little paper with my name on it declaring that I'm fine. Like gosh really. Three hours. It's that long. I even fell asleep at the chair because of waiting. I kept myself busy by reading comics from  my phone. Then the battery died. And I sung songs and even make one just to keep my eyes open.

Finally, after that damned long waiting and that one paper of patience, I went back to the dorm. As I get to the dorm, I pray Dzuhur first and set alarms and went to sleep immediately. Went to sleep on approximately 2 PM.

Didn't dream at all. It was all just pitch black that is filled with sanction. It was, calming. I've never been that calm that time in my entire college life.

Then I woke up. My room was black. It was already night. I went to the door to see who came since someone was banging on my door. It was dorm security saying that someone was looking for me and I should check and tell them that I'm okay.

At that moment, my mind could only say: shit.

I was planning for some quick sleep around 3-5 hours. I've made my calculations, If I slept for 3 hours I could still pray Ashar and then do stuffs like washing my clothes. Then I was being realistic that I'd probably sleep for 5 hours since I'm exhausted. I'll be up at 7 PM and I'd still have time to go to an appointment I've made with Artdictive's Stand Up Comedy Judges. I was supposed to meet them talking about the SOP, mechanism, technicalities, and such. I promised them to eat together on 7 PM on that day and tada the clock shows 11.46 PM. Well fucked.

I also made an appointment with my Dad on going back home to Bekasi since I have a conference tomorrow. I promised him I'll be at the train on 9 PM. Tada, I'm so fucked up.

Checked on my phone and tons and tons and tons of messages, calls, and other notifications were done under my behalf. Everyone was looking for me. My Mom, my Dad, and my Friends. Even the group was searching for me like hell asking around on my phone numbers and stuffs. My Mom even tried to locate me through an app. Such genuine thing.

I was happy.
I was surprised.
I was terrified.
I was upset.

Pretty much, I hate and love all those attentions people was giving to me. Really. I fucking hated it. I don't want people to talk about me because I was sleeping from a long long night of blood shed studying for Legislation, right? That should be personal. That should be my story only. Not the public's consumption.

Plus, my mom went mad. Calling all of my friends and shit. Stating the fact that she's terrified. I mean come on Mom you do know I'm always like this since Junior High School, why do you have to make such a big fuss of it?

I'm ashamed of myself. Really. Felt like I'd just go missing for real then that way I won't be too ashamed.

Argh.

Malu banget anjeng.

*pardon the swear words. but seriously, gue malu banget*

Astaghfirullah.

Oh well.

The next few days went with full mocks, jokes, puns on that incident. I mean come on, don't you guys also get tired from a whole night of studying? Anyone? Someone?

Getting real tired of that shit, I also went emotional. Getting real cranky. Getting real tired of those shit. Plus this boy was also hitting on my friend on and on and on I was getting sick of it till the level where I actually wanna cry because of that. I ambushed my mom with those high and unlikely mad voice. Really. I'm pissed.

Then one night, I wake up from my slumber, went to pray for qiyamul lail, then cried that hell out of everything.

Especially Mom.

Damn, man.

Tons of points were made that night and I for once wasn't mad to people like what I used to do. I was mad of myself that keeps acting irresponsibly and making others worried and suffer of my childish acts. Mom was always there for me when I needed her and I never take credit for her. I always make promises that I can't keep.

I cried all my heart out. Until it was content, I cried with the blissful rain that also cries together along my shouts and screams for help. Yes, I was helpless that night. I didn't know what to do. I was just tired. I wanted the world to just end that day.

Thankfully, I'm aware and went back to normal. Thankfully, my heart felt satisfied with that 2,5 hours of full crying. Such peace and sincerity. Never felt that calm before.

Then what does the tile means?

Reassess. I learned that word at the conference I told you about, is such a wondderful concept of stop and hold.

Reassess is what I needed to do in my life.

Reassess is what I urgently needed ASAP.

Reassessing my whole life, setting up goals for that one big vision hold upon myself. On pursuing my dreams. On doing what I love.

But yeah, it's such a unique concept.

Too bad I'm too sleepy to continue this post.

It's 3 AM and I haven't slept. This is the nature calling.

It's time for me to go to sleep.

Good Morning!




Asrama Universitas Indonesia
3.06 AM