March 05, 2016

The Girl Who Found Herself Back

winonsky.sunnypillow

Heyyo. It’s Winona again here and I’ve got some news for you.

I’ve just vomited my breakfast 5 minutes ago.

Yes, I am not in a very healthy condition right now. My room is a mess and I’ve got tons of things going on in my head.

Last night I slept on the floor. Why? No idea. I was sober enough to get up and march to bed but this body decided I’ll be sleeping at the floor. And I didn’t pray Isya last night which leads me to total guilt feeling towards Allah and I prayed Subuh late. Forgive me, ya Allah. Forgive me.

The past few weeks have been extraordinary.

Extraordinary painful.
Extraordinary beautiful.
Extraordinary miserable.
Extraordinary bitch-able.

All those four things combined every day through this absurd life of mine. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t mean to sound so complaining but sometimes the ones that brings you down is also the same thing that brings you up. This is what I’m trying to tell myself for the past few weeks.

You see, I like this boy.
No, I love this boy.
No, I care this boy.

The name’s not important but he is a bit picturesque. He’s cocky and humble at the same time. When I saw him I feel like I saw myself. He’s like a mirror. Only better. Only funnier. Only more loveable.

I know it’s weird but I thought that he is the one who’s I’m gonna spend the rest of my whole life with.

And so I imagined life with him. How abnormal our life together will be. How things would go great. How we wouldn’t be perfect but just fit for each other’s life.

We will be happy. And I just knew we will.

But things changed when we enter the second term of college.

He’s kinda busy with his own college business and so am I. I’m busy with all the hecticness of a three organization and 5 committees would do. He, on the other hand, is also busy with his social stuffs on being good to others being a genuine person helping the ones that needs help. Helping the people with his own bare hands.

What’s funny is that I thought he’d be exhausted from all of those stuffs and turn back to me to tell the stories of the ones we used to do every week.

Nope. We didn’t do that. We are far from that. We rarely even spoke to each other.

At least that’s what I feel when it comes to him.

Actually, we talk. Every day. But it’s just normal convos talk like what we do with everyone else. It’s not those lame talks or serious talks or absurd talks or relinquish talks that we used to have.

I miss those talks. I really do.

Then I found out that a friend of mine is now being attached to him.

No, he’s being attached to a friend of mine.

He’s always there. Like a bee. To a flower.

To a lily flower.

And that part crashes me down to the ground.

This self was crying. This self was intriguing. This self was disappointed.

Then come the days where I would just put a smile on my face and saying normal things to them while being hurt inside. The days where he would kept buzzing around her and be proud of it. The days where she said she’s not interested with him for one bit and only consider him as a friend. The days where he would joke around saying how he’s really fond of her and wants to be with her every time she’s around. The days that I realize that I have lost my place in his eyes and being replaced with that certain friend of mine. The days where I knew that he actually likes her.

He actually likes her.

He actually likes her.

I don’t know why I could be so assured to myself on this part but to be pretty honest he is really close with her for the past few weeks. Like super close. Like those couples close.

Yes, I am mad. I am furious on the fact that it wasn’t me who’s being attached to him. It was her.

And she is perfect.

So, again, I crave back to the cave of sorrow, being a knob for some few days, telling people how happy and fascinated I am with my life while truly wants those words to be realized.

I’m still waiting for that man that would tell me “You’re not,” when I say “I’m fine.”

And apparently, I thought that guy was him. Turns out, he’s not. He’d do that for her, but not for me.

Is it so pathetic to say that I actually knew that particular thing all along but denies it anyway?

So in that cave, I built another army of hatred. An army filled with empowering self-stances. An army of revoke from this shitty situation.

I managed to read a post I stumbled on my timeline. In a glance, it tells us about how marriage is supposed to be and how it’s so far from all of our imaginations. All the years spent to know that person who you’re going to spend your life is would just flew out of the window once you really start to do it with that person. Because all those years that you spent wasn’t spent right. We were focusing on how to know this person piece by piece and not focusing on how to accept this person as a whole.

Acceptance. Yes. That’s the key to marriage according to the post I’ve read.

And this brought me back to the problem I’ve been facing on: Him.

I imagine my life with him. I imagine how cute we’re going to be when we fight. I imagine how he’ll treat me and how I’ll always be there for him. How I’ll accept him for who he is.

But I forgot one thing for sure. I forgot the fact that if he didn’t accept me as much as I accept him.

Yes, we know each other that much. We know each other’s family and house and idk probably characters(?). We know we fit each other when we went on rides and stuffs. We know those things.

But we surely don’t know if we’re fit for each other’s life.

I maybe am accepting him for who he is. The question is, does he accept me as who I am?

I don’t think the answer is neither a yes nor a no.

In fact, I don’t even want to know the answer to that question.

Let the answer came through me as it is. Let the future have it. Let the world have it.

Concisely, I like a boy. The boy likes a girl. The boy is fond with the girl. I am stressed. I got my mind opened again. I come to the realization where we fit as friends but probably not as a life partner.

And what does that had to do with the fucking title?

I found myself back. The strong one. The independent one. The ones that used to be my one and only strength I've got. The ones that strengthens me whenever I'm down. Myself. My own fucking self.

I am finally relieved of the fact that I no longer rely on his absence every time when I'm on campus. Finally glad that I could enter college with the same strength I used to have: my own will.

And that is why us remaining friends is the best option I could go. We are still friends. He doesn't even know if I like him. I'm not planning on telling him either. He's all cloud nine and I could understand why.

So again, I am relieved that I could see him normally just as a close friend now. Back to the states of friendship.

It's the best for me, him, and her. I could be focused on my tasks and not being disturbed with all of his lovey-dovey stuffs with her. He could do whatever the heck he wants to do anyway and I wouldn't mind all those acts he'd be doing. She would be my closest friend and we won't be teared up because of this silly problem I made up by my own self.

So yeah, the old me is back. Watch out for my mischievous works, fellas!

***

Kepadamu, Alfiano Fawwaz Lokopessy.

Iya, saya suka padamu. Namun itu dulu.

Semenjak semalam saya semakin yakin bahwa perasaan suka ini semata-mata hanyalah perasaan nyaman ketika dekat denganmu.

Terimakasih sudah mau menjaga jarak dengan saya terlebih dahulu dan mendekatkan jarak dengan perempuan lain.

Jika kau benar-benar suka padanya, jangan gantung dia seperti perempuan-perempuan lain yang hanya kau anggap teman. Kejar dia jika memang kau merasa dia pantas untukmu.

Disini saya merelakanmu untuk kembali menjadi bebas dari harapan-harapan saya akan dirimu.

Saya hanya seorang perempuan labil yang terjebak suasana romansa yang kadang kau ciptakan di sela-sela perhatianmu itu. Tenang saja. Saya tahu maksudmu memang bukan untuk membuat saya tertarik. Saya tahu maksudmu hanya sebagai seorang teman dekat. Saya tahu, dan saya minta maaf jika malah mempersulit situasi dengan menyukai dirimu.

Tetap semangat, Fi. Jangan mau kalah sama dirimu sendiri.

Kudos.

Asrama Universitas Indonesia
11.20 AM

Saturday, 5th of March 2016

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