March 28, 2016

Amanah

winonsky.sunnypillow

Iya, post yang satu ini bahasa Indonesia.

Kenapa? Karena saya sedang mumet.

Sekitar sejam yang lalu teman saya yang bernama lengkap Nur Hadi Budhy baru saja resmi menjadi Project Master Penerimaan Mahasiswa Baru 2016. Saya jadi mumet karena dengan pengumuman tersebut berarti saya juga turut resmi menjadi Vice Project Master Penerimaan Mahasiswa Baru 2016.

Bangga? Iya.
Mumet? Iya.

Perasaan saya saat ini kacau balau. Tercampur aduk. Kayak bubur kacang ijo pake santen dan ketan hitam yang udah gak jelas lagi bentuknya kayak gimana.

Saya, yang saat ini sedang berusaha nyicil belajar biostatistika di Starbucks Perpustakaan Pusat UI sedari jam 14.00 tadi, malahan menangis di sudut kedai kopi ini.

Nangis bahagia? Iya.
Nangis sedih? Iya.

Saya bahagia karena perjuangan saya dengan Budhy tidak sia-sia. Saya, yang sebenarnya agak skeptis bakalan menang, bangga kepada Budhy yang optimis dan selalu menarik saya kembali kepada semangat kepanitiaannya yang begitu tinggi.

Saya jadi gak fokus, Seriusan. Saya kepikiran, berapa banyak uang yang harus saya keluarkan? Jadwal macam apa yang harus saya buat agar bisa membagi waktu secara adil? Apa yang harus saya lakukan sebagai kontrol internal dari PMB 2016 ini? Apa kabar kepanitiaan lain yang juga tidak kalah penting urgensinya dari PMB ini?

Saya mumet.
Mumet banget.
Se-mumet itu.
Mumet se-mumet-mumetnya.

Tapi saya kembali disadarkan oleh Allah SWT bahwa amanah tidak akan jatuh kepada orang yang salah.

Bukan mau jumawa, tapi saya tahu bahwa Allah memberikan saya amanah sedemikian besar karena Allah tahu saya bisa menanganinya dengan baik. Allah tahu bahwa saya sanggup dan Allah akan terus menyokong saya hingga akhir dari setiap urusan saya.

Kayak apa yang tertulis di gelang Nurani 2016 aja: this too shall pass.

Innalillahi.
Bismillah.
Allahu Akbar.



Starbucks Perpustakaan Pusat Universitas Indonesia
Senin, 28 Maret 2016
18.01 WIB

March 27, 2016

Making Impacts

winonsky.sunnypillow

Tons of things happen on March 2016. I can assure you that.

Firstly there’s this thing called Rujak, which stands for Rumah Belajar dan Kakak Asuh. I joined the trial and felt again the euphoria of falling in love with children. How they act, how they speak, how they clearly show how they feel. It’s genuine and refreshing since it’s been kind of a hell of a ride on my college and organizational stuffs.

There’s a boy named Tio and he’s a playful little kid. He kept telling when one of his friends hits him on his head but hold up against his own anger so that he won’t hit him back. He can’t write, but he likes the idea of writing itself. He copies my writing in a very perplexed way. Sometimes it’s upside down or it’s the other way around. He has his own ways on expressing the things he love. He can’t read, but he gave me three books for me to recite for him.

He reminds me of me when I was little.

Being a child is always fun. You’re still na├»ve, not knowing how cruel and unfair the world is. All you could think of is how the world evolves around you and you tried to evolve with your own ways. You become your own hero on your own story and you make sure that things would go as how you love them to. Even though it means getting a break when you fight the giant toad so that you could eat your favorite pasta and watch Barney with your dolls.

From there, I decided to apply being a Kakak Asuh for Rujak. Although I have a lot on my plate, I know I could still spare some of my time just to see those looks on the children’s faces again. The plain bright happy face that used to shine my little face. The joyful soul of a child.

Sadly, I was rejected. Figured that probably the committee thinks that I’m too busy with all of these things that made me looked tired everyday.

I also have my first BAKPAO meeting with all of the boards. It’s good to know that you’re actually contributing on some social things. I used to doubt myself for being able to care to some kid that I never met before. Now? I love those moments. Those shy and happy moments when we interact. I cherish every second of it.

Being the vice chief of intervention, I know I have a lot of homework I need to finish. Concepts, guides, clarifications, all those committee stuffs that would just make me worried for no reason at night. But I enjoy this hecticness and I know that it will end beautifully. I know that this too shall pass.

I also went to Pazki. It’s like Rujak but it comes from Nurani not BEM IM FKM UI. The kids there are very energetic and ecstatic. They’re backgrounds as street performers and musicians explain their love to sing and play music. They have quite the taste of humor that could crack you up in any second. They’re witty and also loveable at the same time.

I also have a MUN Camp from ISAFIS. One of my bucket list things: being able to know what MUN is. The MUN camp really helps me a lot on giving out speeches. It also helps me on presenting small stuffs to my friends, making them looking at me with such awe expressions. It helps me to realize that you need some certain type of charm to just negotiate and connect with people with different backgrounds from you. You learn how to lead a pack of wolves, and you learn how to become a great leader through smart discussions.

MUN so far had told me some beautiful thoughts like being structured on saying what’s on your mind in public, choosing the right words and posture when you deal with someone, and also to develop a solution from the topic that we’re trying to solve by discussing more and more on that thing. It’s very fun and I fall in love with it.

IKAHIMAK3I also held a Rakernas on March 2016. Rakernas, stands for Rapat Kerja Nasional, talks about the projects that IKAHIMAK3I will do throughout 2015-2017. I met a lot of new friends with the same background here. We’re all majoring occupational health and safety and it satisfies me when we discuss, we’re talking about the exact same thing on our own campuses. Being the only representatives from OHSC FKM UI, people would ultimately want me to become active and showing them how it is done in UI and how I think of these kinds of stuffs that is still brand new to me and also them.

It’s also fun because I met with someone who’s attracting my mind. This person talks in humbleness and sincere.  He’s kind, sweet, and also funny. He knows exactly what kind of person I am and he knows how to break my walls. How to break that strong and high wall that I build up to keep me away from that one particular thing called feeling, which I thought is very unnecessary in my life.

There are also IMATION meeting, Artdictive, Taekwondo practice, PMB Bidding, and also JMUN meeting. There are also extra classes and super extremely hard college tasks (I’m just being hyperbolic. It’s actually not that hard. I just procrastinate and do it on the deadlines lol).

There are actually tons of things that I want to write here. But I’m confused where to start and how to write it down.

But now here I am. Confused. Staring on the monitor. Feeling super sleepy and exhausted.

The main idea of this post is supposed to be me explaining what does making impacts mean.

But now I’m confused.

Making impacts are one of your sole purposes of living in this world. Once you were born, you made a huge impact on your parents ‘life. They change their habits for you and left some of the things that they love so that they could hang out on the one thing that matters the most than their lives: you.

And you, my friend, need to believe that making impacts are important.

We’ve been taught since elementary school on how to be nice and what not to do and other ethical stuffs that we actually know. Entering high school, you start to defy all those ethical reasons and compromises with the one that fits you. You don’t really matter if it’s ethically bad as long as it benefits you and your well-being.

We’ve been taught a lot of normative stuffs but tend not to apply them to our own lives. We thought that those things are just an FYI on life. We don’t really think that those things matters to us.

Which is wrong.
It does matter.

Ethical reasons are the one thing that made girls could go to school. It made people to believe that gender inequality does exist and made them to do all sorts of actions to exterminate it. It made people to recognize any kinds of bullying towards their children. It made people realize that humanity does exist.

Making impacts are important. You need to make sure that you left some impacts before you leave this world. The impacts doesn’t have to be huge like finding out that the theory of gravity is wrong or such, it could be small like knowing that you married the right person and made them happy for the rest of your lives, giving donations on charity, cleaning up the beach together with your friends, and all those other small nice things that we actually could do on our everyday lives.

If every people on Earth commits on doing one good deed every day, I’m pretty sure the world would get better in no time. People will stop arguing over money. People will stop killing each other. People will stop differentiating other people. People will stop getting hasty on streets. People will do good deeds and those good deeds are based on the ethical reasons.

Pretty sure this post right here is the longest post I’ve ever post until now. Proud of this post though, since it talks about a certain phrase that keeps bothering my mind: making impacts.

I always worry how people would treat me every time I entered a new place. Will they be good to me? Will they think I’m cocky? Will they accept me for who I am? Will they make fun of me? Will they try to change my mind?

It’s the little stuffs that actually every person is worried about. But here I am, thinking that it’s actually a concern for us to think this way.

People should be glad for who you are. You and all of your specialties are the ones that make you become you. Not her. Not him. Not me.

Never try to change who you are just so you could fit in to some place that you wanted to belong. Sometimes you need to accept the fact that there are certain conditions where adapting is not an option and leaving that place is the one sole concrete act you could do. If that place would just destroy your personality and dignity, then leave. Leave before it’s too late.

Making impacts is about leaving something behind to the people you intend to. These people are the ones that you care the most about. These people are the ones that matters the most to you. These people doesn’t need to know that because what matters is what will you left for them not how will they react upon it.

So now, my friends, thrive. Thrive until you know that it is decent for you to leave those certain impacts to them. Thrive until you know that it’s the best you could do for them. Thrive until you know that it’s the end of the line for you. Thrive until you know that you have done your best and they could do the rest for themselves.

We all here matters to each other. So thrive until what matters to you becomes matter to everyone else.

Kudos.

Asrama Universitas Indonesia
Sunday, 27th of March 2016

9.01 AM

March 13, 2016

Procastinate

winonsky.sunnypillow

What's funny is that I have this pile of tasks I should've been doing.
And here I am blogging.
Listening to youtube.
Playing Episode.
Chatting with my bestfriend.

Simply, Procastinating.
















Oh well.

March 05, 2016

The Girl Who Found Herself Back

winonsky.sunnypillow

Heyyo. It’s Winona again here and I’ve got some news for you.

I’ve just vomited my breakfast 5 minutes ago.

Yes, I am not in a very healthy condition right now. My room is a mess and I’ve got tons of things going on in my head.

Last night I slept on the floor. Why? No idea. I was sober enough to get up and march to bed but this body decided I’ll be sleeping at the floor. And I didn’t pray Isya last night which leads me to total guilt feeling towards Allah and I prayed Subuh late. Forgive me, ya Allah. Forgive me.

The past few weeks have been extraordinary.

Extraordinary painful.
Extraordinary beautiful.
Extraordinary miserable.
Extraordinary bitch-able.

All those four things combined every day through this absurd life of mine. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t mean to sound so complaining but sometimes the ones that brings you down is also the same thing that brings you up. This is what I’m trying to tell myself for the past few weeks.

You see, I like this boy.
No, I love this boy.
No, I care this boy.

The name’s not important but he is a bit picturesque. He’s cocky and humble at the same time. When I saw him I feel like I saw myself. He’s like a mirror. Only better. Only funnier. Only more loveable.

I know it’s weird but I thought that he is the one who’s I’m gonna spend the rest of my whole life with.

And so I imagined life with him. How abnormal our life together will be. How things would go great. How we wouldn’t be perfect but just fit for each other’s life.

We will be happy. And I just knew we will.

But things changed when we enter the second term of college.

He’s kinda busy with his own college business and so am I. I’m busy with all the hecticness of a three organization and 5 committees would do. He, on the other hand, is also busy with his social stuffs on being good to others being a genuine person helping the ones that needs help. Helping the people with his own bare hands.

What’s funny is that I thought he’d be exhausted from all of those stuffs and turn back to me to tell the stories of the ones we used to do every week.

Nope. We didn’t do that. We are far from that. We rarely even spoke to each other.

At least that’s what I feel when it comes to him.

Actually, we talk. Every day. But it’s just normal convos talk like what we do with everyone else. It’s not those lame talks or serious talks or absurd talks or relinquish talks that we used to have.

I miss those talks. I really do.

Then I found out that a friend of mine is now being attached to him.

No, he’s being attached to a friend of mine.

He’s always there. Like a bee. To a flower.

To a lily flower.

And that part crashes me down to the ground.

This self was crying. This self was intriguing. This self was disappointed.

Then come the days where I would just put a smile on my face and saying normal things to them while being hurt inside. The days where he would kept buzzing around her and be proud of it. The days where she said she’s not interested with him for one bit and only consider him as a friend. The days where he would joke around saying how he’s really fond of her and wants to be with her every time she’s around. The days that I realize that I have lost my place in his eyes and being replaced with that certain friend of mine. The days where I knew that he actually likes her.

He actually likes her.

He actually likes her.

I don’t know why I could be so assured to myself on this part but to be pretty honest he is really close with her for the past few weeks. Like super close. Like those couples close.

Yes, I am mad. I am furious on the fact that it wasn’t me who’s being attached to him. It was her.

And she is perfect.

So, again, I crave back to the cave of sorrow, being a knob for some few days, telling people how happy and fascinated I am with my life while truly wants those words to be realized.

I’m still waiting for that man that would tell me “You’re not,” when I say “I’m fine.”

And apparently, I thought that guy was him. Turns out, he’s not. He’d do that for her, but not for me.

Is it so pathetic to say that I actually knew that particular thing all along but denies it anyway?

So in that cave, I built another army of hatred. An army filled with empowering self-stances. An army of revoke from this shitty situation.

I managed to read a post I stumbled on my timeline. In a glance, it tells us about how marriage is supposed to be and how it’s so far from all of our imaginations. All the years spent to know that person who you’re going to spend your life is would just flew out of the window once you really start to do it with that person. Because all those years that you spent wasn’t spent right. We were focusing on how to know this person piece by piece and not focusing on how to accept this person as a whole.

Acceptance. Yes. That’s the key to marriage according to the post I’ve read.

And this brought me back to the problem I’ve been facing on: Him.

I imagine my life with him. I imagine how cute we’re going to be when we fight. I imagine how he’ll treat me and how I’ll always be there for him. How I’ll accept him for who he is.

But I forgot one thing for sure. I forgot the fact that if he didn’t accept me as much as I accept him.

Yes, we know each other that much. We know each other’s family and house and idk probably characters(?). We know we fit each other when we went on rides and stuffs. We know those things.

But we surely don’t know if we’re fit for each other’s life.

I maybe am accepting him for who he is. The question is, does he accept me as who I am?

I don’t think the answer is neither a yes nor a no.

In fact, I don’t even want to know the answer to that question.

Let the answer came through me as it is. Let the future have it. Let the world have it.

Concisely, I like a boy. The boy likes a girl. The boy is fond with the girl. I am stressed. I got my mind opened again. I come to the realization where we fit as friends but probably not as a life partner.

And what does that had to do with the fucking title?

I found myself back. The strong one. The independent one. The ones that used to be my one and only strength I've got. The ones that strengthens me whenever I'm down. Myself. My own fucking self.

I am finally relieved of the fact that I no longer rely on his absence every time when I'm on campus. Finally glad that I could enter college with the same strength I used to have: my own will.

And that is why us remaining friends is the best option I could go. We are still friends. He doesn't even know if I like him. I'm not planning on telling him either. He's all cloud nine and I could understand why.

So again, I am relieved that I could see him normally just as a close friend now. Back to the states of friendship.

It's the best for me, him, and her. I could be focused on my tasks and not being disturbed with all of his lovey-dovey stuffs with her. He could do whatever the heck he wants to do anyway and I wouldn't mind all those acts he'd be doing. She would be my closest friend and we won't be teared up because of this silly problem I made up by my own self.

So yeah, the old me is back. Watch out for my mischievous works, fellas!

***

Kepadamu, Alfiano Fawwaz Lokopessy.

Iya, saya suka padamu. Namun itu dulu.

Semenjak semalam saya semakin yakin bahwa perasaan suka ini semata-mata hanyalah perasaan nyaman ketika dekat denganmu.

Terimakasih sudah mau menjaga jarak dengan saya terlebih dahulu dan mendekatkan jarak dengan perempuan lain.

Jika kau benar-benar suka padanya, jangan gantung dia seperti perempuan-perempuan lain yang hanya kau anggap teman. Kejar dia jika memang kau merasa dia pantas untukmu.

Disini saya merelakanmu untuk kembali menjadi bebas dari harapan-harapan saya akan dirimu.

Saya hanya seorang perempuan labil yang terjebak suasana romansa yang kadang kau ciptakan di sela-sela perhatianmu itu. Tenang saja. Saya tahu maksudmu memang bukan untuk membuat saya tertarik. Saya tahu maksudmu hanya sebagai seorang teman dekat. Saya tahu, dan saya minta maaf jika malah mempersulit situasi dengan menyukai dirimu.

Tetap semangat, Fi. Jangan mau kalah sama dirimu sendiri.

Kudos.

Asrama Universitas Indonesia
11.20 AM

Saturday, 5th of March 2016