February 17, 2016

Holding On


Is it weird if I don't want things to change?

I know changes will happen whether we like it or not, whether we know it or not, whether we plan it or not. I know a change is what makes someone becomes someone. I know that it's a simply normal phase that everyone will pass every stage of his/her life.

But is it weird if I don't want things to change?

I was planning on not to talk about this to anyone. I was planning to be a grown up, thinking that it was normal and letting things go while adapting to the situation.

I tried to make my college assignments and sing a lots of songs to take my mind off of it. I can't. It keeps running back. And I don't like it. I need to let it out.

I have a group of friends where there's like 7 of us who eats dinner together, do assignments together, upgrade ourselves together, being like a "bestie" group you know, Those stuffs. There's 6 of boys and then there's me. They called me boss and I forgot why.


We have this thing where we do Arisan every month with a purpose. 15% of the money must be given to the needy and the rest is up to the winner.

I've just got back home from the Arisan. Pretty happy to meet them all together after probably a month of not being together with the 6 of them. It was quiet fun.

Quiet fun.

*girly stuffs coming up*

Tonight we have a special guess where two of my lovely girls joins our dinner. They're close with us and they're also fun and nice. We had a blast dinner and I kinda like their existence that night. It lights up the mood. Our group was lacking of girls (since I'm the only  one in the group) so I guess that's why everyone felt so lively.

Then, after the meal, one of us said about expanding the group. Adding more people.

And right at that spot I just knew that I don't want more people inside this circle.

Yes, I sound so selfish and immature. That's what I really am right now. Who am I to make decisions, right? I'm just another member on the group.

The boys were excited. They would love to have two members on the group. Two girl members.

The boys always considered me as a boy. It made sense though since I always do boyish stuffs and never really thought about feelings a lot.

Here's the real deal boys: I THINK ABOUT THEM TOO. I just don't express it out loud. I don't like being such a girl on public. Plus, I'm a logical person. I always put logic and mind first rather than my feelings and heart.

When I entered my dorm I have this battle on my heart where I just kept cursing myself, blaming the situation that is happening right now. I hate this idea. I don't want to expand the group. I just want the 7 of us and that's all. I just want the 6 of them and that's all. That's enough. To me, that is enough.

Then I also think about one of my friend who was supposed to be joining the group in the first place. He's a lonely guy, according to my friend's observatory. He's always alone and he doesn't seem to have some close friends.

When they said that they want him to join the group, it was fine by me. Really fine. The guy is funny and also awkward in his ways which is what really defines our group. I don't really mind him joining the group because I was also thinking that he could use a group like ours filled with these abnormal people.

Then, it hit me.

I do not mind another person on the group. What I do mind is another girl on the group.

I do not want another girl on the group.

This thing. This reality. This thought. This absurdity. This is what I hate on myself by being a woman.

This ego of mine had my own principles and thoughts where I don't want another girl on the group for the sake of myself. I don't want them to start having fun with another girl member of the group. They have me. They could do that to me. All those flirty, bully, attention stuffs. I could do that. I could be like them. They don't need another girl. All they need is just me.

Yes. All they need is me.

The one girl member on their group.

The one and only girl member on their group.

The question is, could I be those girls?

The ones who gets so pretty everytime. The ones who's very smart everytime. The ones who gets bullied everytime. The ones who gives attention everytime. The ones who have the same interest with them everytime. The ones who had great friends anywhere. The ones who every boy wants to date.


I am not willing to change myself just for someone else's favor.

I am who I am and people will love me as long as I love myself.

So, until now, I would just give it all up to the boys, If they want more girl members, go ahead. Maybe the group thinks they need more girl touches. Maybe the group thinks they need more girls. Maybe the group thinks it's the best for them.

If they think it's fine with us 7 then thank you God. I don't know if I can handle one more girl on the group. I don't consider them as my enemy or rival or so. I just don't like another girl's existence. Their own existence even sometimes annoys me, which is weird since I am also a girl.

I just don't like the idea of another girl existence in the group.

Sorry if the post wasn't life lesson like. It turns out to be one of my curhatmoments and I still am holding to my principles of hating a girl's existence in my circle. I don't want things to change. I really do not want things to change.

Asrama Universitas Indonesia

Wednesday, 17th of February 2016
11.50 PM

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