I know it's late. It's very late but yet these eyelids won't close themselves for tonight. For no particular reason, I just can't sleep tonight.
There's a lot of things flying through my mind right now and probably most of them are due tomorrow. Being a college student isn't easy but it's also not the hardest thing for me to do. I mean come on I picked OHS of UI for a damn reason. God put me here for a reason. And I know why.
To make a change for my better self.
Remember when you were suicidal and almost cut your arteriole but then you back up realizing the knife was sharp? Remember when you cry yourself to sleep for that reason all over again and ending up punishing yourself by hitting yourself over and over again? Remember when that mentor of yours who was brave enough to harass you and all you could do was cry about it for days? Remember when everything was done by you and yet you had no time to take a break yet it was exam week? Remember when you just don't understand how they work and kept blaming the world for that thing? Remember when you used to lie about everything because you thought your life wasn't good enough and those sick imagination of yours was? Remember when you hate jilbab for like months and started to went out alone all by yourself without your hijab just to prove yourself to the world that you're not as weird as they thought you would be?
Yes. you remember.
But God showed you the truth. Wait. No, I'll stop using the term God from now on. Remember why you switched the term Allah to God? Yes. For that particular reason that was so stupid that even you and that person would look back and laughed about it all over again.
Allah showed you the truth
Allah showed you the way.
Remember when you almost drowned yourself to death and thought the last words you said to your mom wasn't good enough? Remember when you got hit by a motorcycle and cried at the musholla for a full hour trembling and thanking Allah how you were glad you survived? Remember when you earned your best when you did everything by your own? Remember when you won your first speech contest and can't stop smiling to the certificate that you hugged on your way home? Remember when you got accepted at KidZania Congrezz Indonesia? Remember when you stand up for yourself and earned your own results? Remember when you teach people 20-30 years older than you and yet they still respect you? Remember when you sung those songs that only you and Allah know what it means for yourself? Remember when you write posts about how glad you were seeing your sisters sleep next to you and how lucky you were being their big sister?
Yes, you remember.
It's not life everything is alright. It's not life if you're staying on one same spot for your whole year. It's not life if you're not moving and contributing yourself to the people.
It's life when things go down and you build it all by yourself again. It's life when you thank Allah for the little things that you've always forgot on your daily basis. It's life when you just smile when problems kept coming on.
Allah is always near His creatures who remembered and thanked for the short life He gave to them. Allah is always near you, it's your own choice to believe in Him or not. He's always there when you cry for help and when you cry your tears of joy. Allah's always there for you.
Allah. I love you. I really do.
2nd October 2015, 2:26
Asrama Universitas Indonesia
Anyway if you came here for the story, I'll keep writing but not this year. College is definitely a busy world and I'm still adapting on the conditions that I'm facing right now. I'll probably write by the end of December 2015.
Very sorry for the late update. It's been years, I know. Let's just cherish the days we're given by Allah right now :)